This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
