My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
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