even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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