I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
