If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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