Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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