I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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