I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
