I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
