Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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