I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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