oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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