my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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