Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
