I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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