end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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