god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
