I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
