Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
