Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
