I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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