so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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