I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
