never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
