Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
