So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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