why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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