I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
