can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
