I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
