Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
