Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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