Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
