Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
