just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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