he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
