you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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