she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
