I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
