I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
