I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
