well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
