Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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