Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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