I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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