literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
