Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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