he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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