Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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