did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
there was a trapeze. enough said
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
