Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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