Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
