38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
