I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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