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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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