My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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