sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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