The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
