Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
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She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
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I smell like Dick and happiness
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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