apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
