Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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