I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
