im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My hand turned me down
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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